In 2018, I was finally bold and ready to walk the path of freedom and liberation that had been calling out to me with regards to my mental health. Acknowledging all the issues I had and working on them was not easy but it was worth it. That path led me to the stage I am at now which I would like to call “The knowing”.
Now I know I am beautiful, I know I am worth it, I know a lot of truths about me but at this stage I am discovering who I truly am and who I want to be now that I am not defined by all the things that defined me initially.
I would describe this phase as lonely and painful.
The struggle has been with loved ones and when I say loved ones, I mean family and people I consider as family or very dear to my heart. I think people are quick to rejoice with you when you tell them or open up about your mental health, celebrating that you have been able to identify that something is wrong. I think it’s because they love you but they are always reluctant to accept that that revelation will bring about changes. I think families struggle most with someone they have known all they life not being the same person anymore. The struggle mainly comes when your change is in conflict with their “standard” or threatens their “comfort”.
At this point in my life, I want totally different things from that which I wanted initially. I know who I am now and I wish I could share this beautiful girl with my loved ones but I guess they are stuck and in love with the girl they have known all these years.
I am struggling to help them come to terms with changes that is occurring without destroying or burning bridges. It’s been hard and lonely knowing who I want to be but not being able to be “yet”.
It’s hard loving when they are the very ones that hurt you. It’s hard to honour when they fail to honour you but at the end of the day, family is family.
Working hasn’t helped with my mental health either. It was fun and exciting initially but I got to know and experience how unappreciative the general public is towards the profession, it killed my joy. I still do it with passion, I clean my patient’s butt as gentle and thoroughly as I would mine (yeah we do all those dirty stuff) but it has become more draining than it used to be because I have to force myself now.
I have battled with all the devils, the depression, the suicidal tendencies and even imposter syndrome but I have won.
I spoke to a friend a week ago and as I discussed one of the issues I was dealing with, he spoke and said “These things take time”. Those words brought tears to my eyes. It made perfect sense and it was just what I needed and I know it’s gonna sit with me for a long time. It gave me peace. “These things take time“.
In as much as it has been hard, I would not have had it any other way. I have learnt a lot and God has brought escape routes every step of the way.
Cindy asked if she has done anything for me and I told her she has made me laugh and she took it lightly. I don’t know if I would have survived without her. It’s as though God knew I would need a constant bundle of joy in this season of my life. I would go to bed crying and wake up to her smiling face and it brings me so much joy. I am grateful that she was present this season.
Right now, I would say I have grown a lot with regards to my mental health. I have managed to rise above all the things that a year ago would totally break me and I have managed to stay happy through it all. Thank Jesus.
I acknowledge that it’s a journey so I am willing to be patient and watch it unfold beautifully whiles doing the best I can and being as intentional as I can be. So help me God.
I am looking forward to next year hoping it will bring glad tidings and meet me well.
How has your mental health been this year? Check in.
with love,
Afiya.