It’s 1:20 pm in Accra, Ghana according to my phone. It feels like daybreak and it looks like the dawn. It’s raining. The atmosphere is beautiful. The melody of the rain hitting the ground is sedating. I desire to sleep but my thoughts keep me awake. I am seated by the window lost in thought yet focused (seemingly) enough to count raindrops. Obviously an epic fail which leaves me with only my thoughts to concentrate on. Let me share before it consumes me.
I recall being angry about a relative who had an abusive lover yet always went back to. Then I was angry about the brother who always took an emotionally manipulative cheating partner in. I was ranting about how they should just stand in their resolve and not go back to them.
Why am I so angry? I am angry because I want someone to be a winner where I fail. I want someone I know to become successful at leaving and not holding on and maybe I would draw the courage and inspiration I need to also fully let go and unlove.
Love is a decision but how do you decide to undo it when it’s been done? Does anyone have a formula?
I can’t believe my butterflies respond to the words of the ones who hurts me every chance they get. But maybe that is the only proof that I really loved them in the first place.
I guess everyone’s dream is to have a dream come true. I guess it will take a lot of time to finally accept that that will not be your happy ever after.
I am writing this for us. I am writing this to you. You are not alone, you are not stupid and you are not mad. You loved. That is not a crime, that is not a shame.
Your desire to hold on may just be you trying to keep your love. Have your share of loving and being loved right back and hoping it would be a reality.
It feels like an endless cycle of running back into their arms or throwing your arms right wide open. It doesn’t only feel like it, it actually is and you feel awful about it anytime he or she messes up again and you call yourself stupid for allowing it.
I don’t have five steps to setting yourself free from the shackles of love, I am still looking at the phone number and giving myself reasons why I should not call.
I do however have hope to share with you today. I have hope that one day, I can say I am done and actually mean it. I hope that one day my heart will hear the words I say to it each day and accept it to be true, “you deserve better”. Above all, I hope love finds me, right where I am.