At age 18, people care very much about what others think of them.
By age 40, they learn not to worry what others think.
By age 60, they figure out that no one was thinking about them in the first place.
A month before my birthday, just when I thought I had dealt with all my insecurities, God prompted me about one that had become toxic in my life and I was bombed. I spoke about it with a few friends and wrote a long piece about it. Plan was to share on my birthday and announce how God had revealed to redeem and how I was gonna get through that.
On my birthday, early in the morning, I reached for my laptop ready to post. I paused to consider what I was posting and it hit me that the real deal wasn’t recognizing that I had an insecurity (it’s important to accept this fact though) but was rather identifying what caused it.
As I thought hard, I realized it rooted from my fear of what people thought of me.
I could not wait to be 18years because then I would become legal and matter. All my life before I turned 18, I lived in anticipation of year 18 because somehow I did not matter until then. At 10 years my friends were 13 being ushered into the youth ministry and all I could do was wish I was 13 too. When I finally turned 13, they were already making plans for sweet 16 and others were telling me how dope being legal was and I could not help but wish I was their age. I really wanted to be like them. I never got to live in my moment, I was never comfortable with being me.
I made plans for 18 and forgot to live in all those years before that. Year 18 was really significant because I planned it well but it lasted just a year and I was back into my shell waiting for another perfect year.
I had fears that if I was not a certain age then my wisdom was not valid or my skills didn’t fit me or simply I did not matter.
My age mentioned sent my heart racing and gave me panic attacks. I could get very anxious just knowing that someone will find out my age. I was going to lose the respect I had if they got to know my age.
When I made new friends I got scared that it would get to the time where I would have to say my age and because of that I would rather pull back and not make friends at all, especially when I knew they were older. What I said was always so good until my age was considered then I become some nosy child. Coupled with my own expectations of what I should be doing at a particular age, I have destroyed many beautiful friendships.
Insecurities. We all have them. As hard as they are when grace reveals it, you deal with it.
Carefully considering everything, I realized the roots were the fact that I feared what people thought of me. An even greater realization was that no one cared.
As always, every insecurity has to do with less of what people think or say and more of what you say and feel about yourself. Who cares if I am 26? Me being 23 does nothing to the society if I am not adding any value. Being 20 and knowledgeable is way better than being 30 and foolish. It really has nothing to do with how long you have been on earth but rather how useful and relevant you are and I believe you have the power to set your own pace and be unapologetic about it.
I was going to make the big reveal about my age just to let you all know that I am dealing with this insecurity but I won’t because really, no one cares.
The last few days has been so liberating just because I have being walking with the mindset that no one cares and I have been so light. Thank God for the knowledge,. I feel freed to live beyond expectations and just be, without limits. Just be who I can be now with the knowledge and ability I have and not fret about the things I should or should not do per society standards as far as my age is concerned. Its really just a number.
You know that insecurity you are dealing with, if only you will take a critical look at yourself, you will find that you are in it alone and the only one who matters, God ,even doesn’t see what you see.
Let go and live your life and be in the moment. Whatever that looks like for you.